Many of my desires require me to be a person I fear I do not have the capacity to be. What other explanation could there be for my abysmal record of squandering fruitful opportunities? There isn’t much time between having potential and waking up one morning and realizing you had the chance to be the higher self you always aspired to and you fucking blew it. Even now, the thought creeps in: I’m totally fucking this up!
Somewhere around June, the mid-year blues hit me as per their annual habit. Basically, around the halfway mark of the earthly revolution around the sun, I get hit by this sense of defeat. At this time, my perpetually at-war-with-itself brain does an assessment of my cringe-comedy life and decides, without fail, that it is a shambles and I will never amount to anything. And then I let that feeling consume until August comes around the corner and I start dreading getting older and making birthday wish lists for an imaginary version of me who can afford international shopping trips and has the energy to maintain a regular skincare routine.
And 2017’s mid-year spell of malaise and unproductive mental wars have been no different. Despite having my hand in many awesome projects and working more than I ever have to cultivate my dreams into something of substance, I feel incredibly overwhelmed by it all. And predictably, I’m not handling it well.
I guess my personal focus next month will be to manage these feelings and find better ways of coping with the gravity of my potential and what could be.
Word of the month: persist
★ Going to Lilongwe to visit my family. I caught up with a lot of people I hadn’t spent time with for eons, including Faith – one of my day one girlies olo andikane motani! (We’re in this for life, B!) The best part of my short vacation in Lilongwe was hanging out with my little sister a.k.a the family’s last hope.
★ Watching my long time friend and definite mom-sister Wendy marry the love of her life.
(Side note: It also marked the first time I’ve been to church in years. But that’s a story for another day.)
THIS MONTH’S OBSESSIONS
7 months in and I’ve read just two books out of the twenty I intended for 2017. Purity by Jonathan Franzen has been my current read for ages. I am hopeless!
What I watched
[image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4]
July Best 5
★Ain’t Got Time
– Tyler, The Creator
from the album Flower Boy
★ Legend Has It
– Run the Jewels
from the album Run the Jewels 3
– Alt. J
from the album RELAXER
★ If This Is Love
– Ruth B.
from the album Safe Haven
ICYMI (Posts from July)
Have a wonderful August.