1. Where to break up with someone – MUGG and BEAN
Mugg and Bean is pretty tiny. Like, what’s the person you’re breaking things off with gonna do beyond whisper-yell at you? There’s also a bus stage right outside for you to make a quick getaway.

2.Where to feel hip & cultured – KWA HARABA ARTS CAFE


Everything about Kwa Haraba – from it’s colourful yet cosy decor to the interior bookshelf and the wall of African art masks – SCREAMS artiste. Take your tortured artist soul there and settle into the vibe. Also, the food is amazing.

3. Where to go when you’re broke but haven’t accepted it – SUPERIOR FOOD MARKET

In my years of spending money on food that I shouldn’t, I’ve surmised that superior has the best guilt to satisfaction ratio of any other food place when it comes to unnecessarily wasting money (lovelies, this phenomenon is called utility. Signed, me, world renowned economist).

4. Where to go eat with new friends who’re becoming good friends – KFC

KFC is a great spot to hang out with a new friend. If there’s a lull in the conversation you guys can just start talking about the dismal size of the fries or which one is the best Krushem/Krusher or you can both declare your side in the great dunked wings debate (PS: dunked wings are amazing and anyone who doesn’t think so is weak and pathetic).

5. Where to kiss a boy for the first time and then ghost three weeks later – GELATO CARNIVAL

I don’t have a strong opinion about Gelato Carnival which is probably why I rarely go there. The one at Chichiri Shopping Center isn’t often busy so it seems a nice little spot to connect with a boy you will most definitely ghost three weeks from now.

6. Where to take pictures of ice-cream which you’ll then exhaust your timeline with – MIKOS

Pretty self explanatory, no?

 

7. Where to get sloshed with friends who you chill with but wouldn’t trust to help you get an abortion – INFUSION & 15 SPORTS BAR

I’ve never actually been to 15 or Infusion. But from what I hear, they’re the perfect places to drink with those pals who you can share a good laugh and a couple of superficial problems with, but they’re not the people you’d run to for help if you ever need to get rid of a fetus.

8. Where to eat alone as a well deserved treat because, like, life is exhausting and you’re totally trying and dammit, you deserve nice things! – JUNGLE PEPPER

I love Jungle Pepper. The staff are friendly. The food is good and so is the ambiance. It’s my absolutely favourite place to eat alone. Their thin crust pizzas are also a gentle reminder that I will like Italy.

9. Where to talk about what happened last night – KIPS

Let’s meet at Kips. Let’s talk about what happened last night and if alcohol is to blame or if we’re just idiots. Let’s talk about how we’re going to waste each others time and cause each other unnecessary stress. And let’s do it over a milkshake or chicken masala!

10. Where to tell your girls what happened (and dissect it all to pieces) – GALITOS

Galitos does’t have a slogan I can work into a bit but it is truly the best place in this town to gossip about boys, judge your romantic (mis)adventures with your girls and eat vaguely Portuguese style chicken (It is supposed to be quasi-Portuguese cuisine, right? I’m not just making that up?)

11. Where to spend that shmoney with your boss babe girlies – DAPPER

[SEE ALSO: My review of Dapper Restaurant]

Dapper is honestly a pretty good place to have dinner with friends, especially the ones who’re killing it because hopefully they’ll pick up the bill. I had a great time when I went there and I think you might too.
12. Where to go eat with a would-help-me-bury-a-body friend – STEERS

I don’t know how this became mine and Tamanda‘s fast food place but it is. We frequently plot murder and talk all things literary there. Steers is also the official all-nighter fuel for the demented dynamic duo that is us.

13. Where to tell him he’s the side nigga – ELLY B’s

[Read: Why I don’t like Elly B’s]

The food at Elly B’s looks good but tastes horrible. But at least it has a bar which is the best place to tell him you’re taken and absolutely devoted to your S/O.

14. Where to have enlightening conversations with people who are smarter than you – TJ’s BAR

To my mind, TJ’s is one of the best places to imbibe and actually have conversations with people who don’t make you wonder how you’ve come to surround yourself with so many idiots and if you yourself are becoming dumber by the minute. Also, every first Friday of the month, TJ’s hosts Trivia Night hosted by Blantyre Rotaract Club and that’s pretty fun.

15. Where to take a boy you intend to love – CASA MIA

I have no real reasoning behind this but the last time I ate there James Taylor’s Mexico was playing and I was just like, “I need to bring a boy here and he needs to listen to Mexico and we need to just, like, follow our stupid hearts and fall hopelessly in love.” Yes, I was drunk. No that doesn’t make what I felt and just wrote invalid.

BONUS:

Where to take me – NOWHERE
I’m a simple gal. Just bring the food to me and get out of my sight!

Well lovelies, all that’s left to say is you are very welcome for this very important listicle that I should win a Pulitzer for.

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