21 Minor, Major Things

1. I go to my living room and act out scenes from my head that I may never write. I have this old stick from a retired broom that I use as a staff, sword or arrow. I have hit myself with it before. (A couple of Many times).

2. I wear “decent” or formal clothing when I am anxious about being somewhere because if I get especially nervous or feel out of place, I can tell myself it’s because of what I’m wearing.

3. I believe that when I feed a boy cheese, our relationship sours. It doesn’t matter if it’s a fling or a genuine love interest. Once I make a boy anything with cheese, things go wrong. (This has happened 4/4 times and one of them was a repeat offender so…something something proof!)

4. MY DREAMS ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING BUT THEY FEEL LIKE PROPHECY, bitch!

5. I dress up and take photos (almost always showing off my legs) when I feel like I’ve forgotten that I’m a semi-attractive human being or when I’m trying to convince potential suitors that they won’t regret sleeping with me. 

On this day, I decided to take these photographs because my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me with his neighbour. When he found out, I’d taken them he berated me for showing another boy my thighs.

6. I make dumb videos of myself looking and/or saying stupid things and send them to my best friend. I also post the funnier ones (like this one) to my Whatsapp status. It brings joy, for some reason.

7. I sometimes coerce my best friend to text my “could I borrow some money” texts because it fills me with shame to do so on my own.

8. I listen to film/TV or classical music soundtracks when I’m working not because they help me concentrate more but because they make me feel like…IDK. It’s like that thing where you listen to music while staring out the window of a moving vehicle and you feel contentedly lost in your mind’s eye as it imagines whatever it wants to imagine. 

9. I don’t believe in happiness (as a persistent feeling) and I think lowly of those who do and especially of those who pursue it.

10. I often relish intimidating men and smile inside when they call me “aggressive.” I mostly hate it when women don’t like me.

11. I’m sad a lot.

12. I’m angry a lot. 

13. I know there’s something special about me. In a grand narrative, I would be one of the chosen ones or whatever. It simultaneously terrifies and delights me. 

14. I’m secretly worried about finding love because 1) gross, 2) what if it gets in the way of my plans? and 3) what if I fall in love with someone embarrassing again?

15. I love Malawi (in theory) but I hate living here.

16. I sometimes purposely do tasks poorly to discourage certain people from asking me to do things for them (I often have difficulties setting boundaries or saying “No” because I am a people pleaser)

17. I have stretches of time when I don’t shower every day because 1) “shower every day” is a scam by the soap industry to push more product, and 2) depression has a way of making simple tasks gargantuan and also, when I’m done with life, even getting out of bed is an Olympic feat.

18. I don’t want to give birth (and I have decided not to) but I’d like to raise children.

19. I like going to the church I go to even though I’m an atheist because everyone is nice to me there and it feels like A.A or a Ted Talk or one of those inspirational videos that fill you with verve for about an hour before you go back to being a useless shit bag.

20. I masturbate with strangers online when I need a quick pick me up or a reminder that if I set up an Only Fans account, it would take off.

21. I genuinely think writing will pay (ALL) my bills one day. I hope that when that day comes, I am gracious enough to point to my own hard work, privilege, the encouragement of others and fortuitous happenstance as the authors of my success. I also hope, to my shame, that I still have enough venom to tell all the detractors and naysayers, “FUCK YOU FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME!” Finally, I hope I grow out of the latter.

2 thoughts on “21 Minor, Major Things

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